During dark and quiet times:

I’ve been a brat. When I can’t hear or see God’s will for me, I get frustrated. I think like the Israelites in the wilderness – “Has he led me here to die?” I worry that I’d sinned too much, that I am still sinning by accident, and that’s why I am not sure what to do. But instead of feeling bad for myself, here’s a prayer.

Praying on the Word:

As they say, God has pre-determined Good Works planned for each of the people he calls. He called me and I accepted the call. I keep him in my mind, pray, listen to his word, and I hear his voice and recognize it. Now I’m asking myself how can I better FOLLOW his word after I read it or hear it? My point is…I have become one of his people.

Ephesians 1:18– Paul says that he prays that the Ephesians gain the knowledge/wisdom to understand what God’s will is for them. Adopting this prayer for myself and individuals, I pray to see God’s movie he wrote for me. When he has Good Works in mind for us, his hope is that we will do it. He wants to experience us doing it. So I pray that when the opportunities arise, we can see the scene clearly in our minds too, see his vision…then do it well. Just like well-cast actors. I guess I’m asking for the gift of prophecy–if that means seeing into the future. Yes. That’s what I want.

I have experienced this before and I remember one time well, I know I did a good and important work. It was so simple too! I was able to do it because I could SEE what was in front of me, I could see what needed to happen, and I laughed maniacally as I did the Good Work because I was so happy to do it.

I want more of THAT. This is what I’m praying for.

Lord, please show me scenes that enlighten me to your hope for my life. Let me be a well-cast actor and bring your scene to life. I don’t currently know what you have in store, but I hope that I have some good scenes ahead…if you see me as your own, if Jesus’s blood covers me, then please use me.

Judges 18

The young man…
was a Levite from Bethlehem in Judah, from a family in Judah. He left Bethlehem in Judah seeking his fortune and a place to settle down.

He showed up at Micah (the thief)’s house where he was offered a position to be his priest and stay.

Dan hadn’t occupied their plot and the Danites recognized the levites voice.
He gave them blessing and they decided to attack a neighbouring land. But on their way, they troops stopped at Micah’s to talk to the Levite again, and steal from Micah. They also enlisted the Levite to be THEIR priest instead.
So the Levite stole the religious things of Micah’s and joined the Danites.
Micah confronted them but couldnt do anything about it so he just went back home.
The Traitorous Levite and the Danites went to Laish where they massacred the people and burned down the city. They renamed it Dan and appointed a descendants of Moses as the tribal priests.

Judges 19

A levite was living in the backwoods of Ephraim and got a concubine, a woman from Bethlehem in Judah. But she left him and went back to her father.
The levite wanted to get her back so he followed her to bethlehem.
The father welcomed him and kept convicing him to stay.
Until one night the Levite wouldn’t be convinced anymore and took off with his concubine, servant, and donkeys.

The servant suggested they spend the night in a Jebusite city, but the levite refused to stay with foreigners. He said Gibeah or Ramah.

As the sun was setting, they got as far as Gibeah.
The Levite sat down in the town square but the only one to offer him a place to spend the night was an old man from Ephraim temporarily staying in Gibeah where the locals were all Benjaminites.

The old man let them stay in his house for the night, but then locals came wanting to rape the Levite. (like the Sodomites wanted to do to the Angels of the Lord during their investigation)
The old man protested because the Levite was his guest, and he offered instead his own virgin daughter and the Levites concubine. (like Lot had offered up his own daughters)
But the men would listen and the Levite didn’t call upon the Lord or cause any miracles like the angels had. Instead he just shoved out his concubine and the locals raped her until just before dawn.

The Levite got up to continue his journey and saw his wife/concubine. She was crumbled in a heap at the door with her hands on the threshold.
He told her to get up but she didn’t respond.
(it doesn’t say she is dead)
He lifted her up onto his donkey and went home. Once he got there, he dismembered her into 12 pieces abd sent the pieces throughout Israel.

“Say to every man in Israel: Has such a thing as this ever happened from the time the Israelities came up from the land of Egypt until now? Think about it! Talk it over. Do something!”

IS this a different Levite? Did 19 come BEFORE 17?

As a response, the Benjamites went to war against the others because they did not give up the attackers. Now the tribes called to the Lord who told them to attack. Twice they did by God’s command. The 3rd time God said he would give them victory. The Israelites strategized this time too, trapped and killed the Benjamites, and burned down Gibeah.

They felt bad about losing a tribe of their brothers but they’d made an oath not to marry any of their daughters with Benjaminites. So they told the few remaining to grab Shiloh girls when they were dancing and take them to be their wives. Then they all went back home.

“At that time there was no king in Israel. People did whatever they felt like doing.”

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Previously: Dakota had left the laboratory, spent too much time wandering through the cave system, and gained Righteousness. Her partner was still dead and Jason was still on the loose. She'd been looking through the case files, and seems like That Body wasn't what she thought... 

Now…

Dear J,

I’m getting used to the idea that it doesn’t matter how I got here, what matters is that I AM here. And I’m recognizing that the spirit of YOU got me here, not that body. Yes, there is a difference between the body WITH you and WITHOUT you. He wasn’t J, he wasn’t any kind of savior, he wasn’t even a friend.. I guess he was just an unsuitable long-term host. But if you found a better one, I’m interested to see what you see. I’m looking for you, now that I can see that you aren’t in him anymore.

I love what you love and hate what you hate. Lukewarmness = YUCK. Cowardice = YUCK.

(But I know it goes both ways, I fall show of your glory too. I misrepresent you and you can’t be seen in me either. So I can’t hate him and call him dead without saying the same about me. But you forgive me of my sin and I repent from them, and I stay with you. That matters.)

❤

Occurrence 1: Something Strange in Nowhere

Occurrence 2: Tears Hotter than the Shower

“Who are you talking to?”

When I heard that, I stopped speaking and realized…it was the Spirit. My tears were hotter than the shower water and the world faded away into the scene of a REUNION. I could feel the Spirit saying “Finally! You recognize my voice.” Although I was alone in my apartment, after another traumatic experience…somehow what I was experiencing was having been lost, knowing I was found, and feeling absolutely cherished.

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In the “Something Strange in Nowhere” occurrence, I was being tested. The Spirit wanted to know “would you die for your friends?” And if I would follow Him no matter what. I think that I proved something about myself–which unlocked a new chapter of healing.

Let’s talk about Abandonment issues.

Matt 23:9 – Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven.

I think that verse should be a relief to those with “daddy issues.” Those earthly fathers could never compare to the glory of the father in heaven anyway.

For a long time, all I could feel was pain because my earthly father was gone. Someone asked me what OGRESS heroine means. I can tell you… blame the devil that told me it was my fault that my father disappeared. I became an ogre as soon as I looked into my own eyes and saw a monster that must have appeared evil to her own father driving him away.

Why do I bring this up? Because the second signifiant time that I met the Holy Spirit (the dialogue form the intro) was after seeking validation from Human Men instead of relying on the Lord God.

It’s natural, babies might look for their daddy to pick them up, hug them, and make them feel safe. But what happens when you don’t have that? You look for it consciously and/or subconsciously. There’s all kinds of studies explaining the long-term effect of childhood abuse, neglect, and abandonment. But the point is I was living it for a long time before I knew the Spirit. It was a sickness I had no cure for… until the Spirit came.

After the events in the first video, I was aware that something supernatural had occurred and I became obsessed with seeking the truth. Was it really God? That’s what brought me back to “Nowhere.” (With my own get-a-way vehicle this time) I returned to the church and met some of the people officially. I had no plan, I just wanted to understand what I had felt. How had I gone from wanting to cease existance, to marvelling that the Same Spirit that had called me to be there, got me out? That was good! A step towards spiritual and emotional growth…except I got so caught up on my feelings, I didn’t think much about WHY that situation may have happened.

It’s obvious now: I was abandoned by that friend because I needed to learn to rely on the Lord God, not on man. I didn’t realize it and I was still hurt by the betrayal, so I tried start a new relationship. Not to throw away my new Christianity, I expected that a new guy would be converted like I had been. But it didn’t work. It was a disaster. It was traumatic enough to inspire the second occurrence of meeting the Spirit–this time, hearing its voice distinctly. But the important thing about the disaster was that it proved that I was changed. I couldn’t cope in the same ways, the same things didn’t attract me, and I was sick of my old life and behaviour. It was all disgusting and empty to me. I was after something new and greater. A life following this Holy Spirit.

A life with the SPIRIT, not following a supposedly holy man. I didn’t realize that distinction either. Which lead to the most significant 3rd occurrence of meeting the Spirit.

Occurrence 3: The Graveyard

“CEASE YOUR VAIN REPETITIONS. Go away from me!” Those were the choice of words that came out of me the next morning.

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I was leaving the Church in Nowhere and I was not in the right state of mind. I shouldn’t have been driving, nor should I have been left alone. I wasn’t drunk or high, I was just unmedicated and MANIC (which can feel like being both at the same time.) I was like a werewolf when a full moon was coming. I should have just checked into a hotel for the night, but that wild energy was so strong, I couldn’t sit still. I thought it would be a good idea to just start on my 17 hr roadtrip NOW. My friend, the one who abandoned me before, was there and knew what I was dealing with, more than anyone else did. But he didn’t even try to stop me. He did pray for me though–from the safety of his own car 50 ft away.

It started raining and got very dark, already out of control mentally, it was getting too scary for me to drive. I couldn’t see anything. I was insane AND blind. I couldn’t even see a good place to pull over through the darkness of the winding roads. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing. Everything out of control. And no one could (or would) save me. And the same accuser who told me that my father left because of me, told me that my friend didn’t stop me from driving because I wasn’t worth saving. Not worth anything so just keep going. It glued me into place with my blind eyes toward to road, hands on the steering wheel, and feet on the pedal. I couldn’t stop, but I wanted to.

But the smooth, gentle voice I’d gotten to know cut through the noise. The Spirit coaxed me to stop and showed me a place to pull over. It was a cemetery. Safe in my parked car, I finished my “werewolf transformation.” I’m not sure how to describe the feeling but it was like all that crazy energy was built up inside of me with no escape besides to run out of my car into the cemetery, or find a lake and take a night swim. I didn’t understand the condition I was in, just that it was painful. I wondered why my friend had abandoned me yet again, at least a third time. It was obvious I needed help, and I thought I needed something stronger than the prayer he’d given. I felt like I needed to be held down or tied up. I needed a cage. A straightjacket. A hug. A physical way to stop me from doing anything stupid. But instead, it seemed I’d been left to die.

Except, again, I was not alone. Man had abandoned me but who had broken the trance? The Spirit. Who was with me as I howled and writhed in agony? I didn’t appreciate it, but the Spirit. After I passed out, the cops woke me up. I was afraid because I realized that I must seem like I am on drugs. And these looked like the kind of cops who…if this was my grandfather’s time, they could have dragged me into a new grave for fun. However, who had prepared these police officers hearts with goodness and covered my insanity? The Spirit did. I did have to leave the cemetery and it was still dark. But my mind was quieter and I was able to speak to the Spirit. If question 1 was “would you die for your friends?” This one was “If I took you up right now, would you be ready to be with me?” I made it until the daylight and then I sent a scathing message to my friend who knew my condition but let me drive anyway, I saw him as someone of empty prayers. Forget dying for a friend, he wouldn’t even raise a finger. It was sickening! But rather than a swear word or clear communication, these are some of the words I used to tell him off: “CEASE YOUR VAIN REPETITIONS. Go away from me!

I still think it was extremely cold behavior to pray but not be willing to life a finger to help, but that was part of the plan to cure me of my abandonment issues. The Spirit was reminding me not to rely on MAN but on the Lord God.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper (ezer) suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

The word “ezer (aet-zur)” means helper. There are 21 occurrences of the word in the Bible. It’s a word that was first used to define Eve’s role in Eden. Then [I still have to finish reading all the occurances, but it seems like] the rest speak of deliverance from enemies.

Despite the words connection to both women’s inherent role and God’s deliverance of His people from their enemy’s swords...Strong’s Hebrew 5828 doesn’t note (Ezer) as being directly said in the book of Esther. I want to call her what she is.

Esther the Ezer.

Since my goal is to understand what it means to be an EZER, Esther is one of most prominent women in the Bible, so let’s study her way of being a helper and delivering people from their enemies.

Beauty treatments

For Esther’s training, it simply says 6 months with oil of myrrh. Why myrrh? It seems like a perfect oil– good for health, beauty, and mood. Benefits of Myrrh But as far as WHAT they did with the oil, that’s another entry.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

I want to dive deeper into that verse. But before we get started, let’s pray in a very casual way, by just asking the Lord..

“Father…What do you mean by that?”

By asking that question to Him, I’m saying, “Please. I am open, willing, and I desire to receive revelation about this.” [And by revelation, I just mean I want understanding.] I’m asking Him to answer the questions in my heart.

Here’s what I’m wondering: Why was I created as a woman? What does it mean to be a woman OF GOD?

When God created woman, the first label He gave was Ezer. THEREFORE, Logically…

There was a need, the solution was to create a HELPER/EZER; and God decided to put special care into forming one…and what He made was WOMAN.

What I call Ogress Heroine, God calls EZER (aet_zur) in Hebrew, and helper in English.

What do either versions of the word mean? Like at their core. By solving that mystery, I believe that the answer to my personal questions will become crystal clear.

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What does God say about Helpers/Ezers?

According to Strong’s Hebrew: 5828, עֵ֫זֶר (ezer) has 21 Occurrences in the Bible. Let’s compare how that word is used to see if it gives more clues to the purpose of my creation.

• Genesis 2:18-20
  • Who is the ezer referenced? Eve
  • ¹⁸ And the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him.”
  • ²⁰ The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.
• Exodus 18:4
  • Who is the ezer referenced? God.
  • and the name of the other was Eliezer [that is, My God is a help], “For the God of my father,” said he, “was my help and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh”);
  • In this context, God was the ezer who helped by rescuing Moses from Pharoah.
• Deuteronomy 33:7
  • Who is the ezer referenced? God.
  • And this he said about Judah: “Hear, LORD, the cry of Judah; bring him to his people. With his own hands he defends his cause. Oh, be his help against his foes!”
  • Judah: “Listen, God, to the Voice of Judah, bring him to his people; Strengthen his grip, be his helper against his foes.”
  • God Himself as a rescuer from foes.
• Deuteronomy 33:26
  • Who is the ezer referenced? God.
  • “There is no one like the God of Israel. He rides across the heavens to help you, across the skies in majestic splendor.
  • Blessed are you, Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will tread on their heights.
• Psalm 20:2
  • May He send you help from the sanctuary (His dwelling place) And support and strengthen you from Zion!
• Psalm 33:20
• Psalm 70:5
• Psalm 89:19
• Psalm 115:9-11
• Psalm 121:1-2
• Psalm 124:8
• Psalm 146:5
• Isaiah 30:5
• Ezekiel 12:14
• Daniel 11:34
• Hosea 13:9

Takeaway

• God created Adam to till the ground, He noticed it wasn’t good for the man to be alone, so He created animals and birds. But as good as those are, they weren’t a suitable companion for the man. So God took part of Adam’s body to form Eve. Seeing her, Adam accepted her, said “whoa, man. This is what a man leaves the comfort of home for.”
• In this case, a helper is someone who isn’t a beast or just some bird. It’s more like a kindred spirit… that also makes you let out an “awooga!”

Elijah, the Tishbite, the prophet

• Prophecies the drought to Ahab (1 Kings 17)
• Follows word of the Lord, leaves, and is fed by ravens
• Follows the word of the Lord, leaves, and finds the widow
  • Declares that her oil and flour wouldn’t run out
  • Prays and brings her sick/dead son back to life
• After 3 years, follows the word of the Lord to approach Ahab again. (1 Kings 18)
  • Challenged/defeated the prophets of Baal and Asherah on Mt Carmel
  • Prays and ends drought
  • Runs faster than a chariot
• Flees from Jezebel into the wilderness (1 Kings 19)
  • follows instruction by angel of the Lord to eat and journey (40 D+N) to Mt Horeb
  • Speaks to Jesus and God Himself; receives orders for succession
  • Recruits Elisha
• Follows the word of the Lord to provide judgment on Ahab for murdering Naboth and stealing his vineyard (1 King 21)
• follows instruction from the angel of the Lord to confront Ahaziah’s messengers and provide judgment for trying to consult with Baal-Zebub
• Declares lightning strike on two sets of Ahaziah’s captains and soldiers
• follows instruction from angel of the lord to provide judgement to Ahaziah’s face for his consulting with Baal-Zebub
• Uses mantle to part the Jordan (like Moses)
• Is taken up to heaven in a fiery chariot (2 Kings 2)

Elijah Gets Taken Up

Key Names/figures:

• Elijah
• Elisha
• sons of prophets/Guild of Prophets (Jericho and Bethel chapters)
• Bethel
• Jericho
• Jordan River

The Lord was about to take Elijah up to heaven, and He had instructed Elijah to journey to a few more places. Elijah told Elisha to stay behind while he went to Bethel. But Elisha refused to leave his side and went with him.

At Bethel, the sons of prophets went to Elisha and asked if he knew the Lord was going to be taking Elijah today. Elisha said he knew, but to be quiet about it.

Elijah again told Elisha to stay behind while he followed directions to Jericho. Again, Elisha refused to leave Elijah’s side.

The sons of the prophets at Jericho went to Elisha trying to spill the tea as well. He told them the same as he did the ones at Bethel.

After Jericho, Elijah told Elisha a final time to stay behind –he was going to the Jordan. Again, Elisha wouldn’t leave his side.

As they went toward the Jordan, 50 men from the guild of prophets stood behind and watched them. Elijah took off his cloak and struck the water with it to part a path for him and Elisha to cross.

Once they’d crossed, Elijah asked Elisha what he wanted before it was too late. Elisha wanted ” a double portion of Elijah’s spirit/the prophetic spirit that energizes [him].”

Elijah replied that it was a hard ask, but if Elisha was there to see him get taken, then it would be done. But if not, it wouldn’t be.

As they were walking and talking, suddenly chariots and horses of fire appeared, separated them, and took Elijah up to heaven. As Elisha watched, he cried out after them.

After Elijah was gone, Elisha tore apart his clothes, picked up Elijah’s dropped cloak, and went back to stand on the bank of the Jordan River. He called upon the Lord and attempted what he’d seen Elijah do–part the waters. It worked! And Elisha crossed over.

Elisha is Recognized as Elijah’s Successor

As soon as the Jericho Guild of Prophets saw Elisha, they acknowledged the new spirit on him. So they greeted him and bowed to him.

Then they offered to all go look for Elijah, they thought that maybe the Lord had taken him up onto a mountain or somewhere. But Elisha told them not to bother.

But they persisted! So he caved in and told them to go ahead. They looked for three days but found nothing. By the time they returned, Elisha was chilling in Jericho and pretty much said “told ya so.”

Elisha Cures the Water of Jericho

The men who lived in the city told Elisha how there was a problem: their water was bad and the land was unfruitful/they weren’t growing crops.

Elisha’s solution involved a bowl of salt .

He went out to the springs, threw the salt in, and declared the water purified. And it was so!

Elisha Rebukes Some Mockers

Elisha left Jericho and headed back through Bethel again. As he was travelling along the road, a large group of guys/young men/boys came up behind him yelling “Go up, baldy!” He turned around, cursed them “in the name of the Lord.” Suddenly two female bears emerged from the woods and MAULED 42 of them. After this, Elisha left to go to Mt. Carmel (where Elijah had had the competition), and from there he went back to Samaria.

• Within the multitudes
  • how might a female disciple perceive the parables and miracles
  • commandments given to PEOPLE include women
• In stories of men
  • helping or hurting him
  • Alternatively, if the hero was a heroine instead
• In Case Studies of:
  • Faithfulness:
    • Hagar
    • Ruth
    • Deborah
    • Anna
    • Hannah
    • Pontius Pilates’ wife
  • Unfaithfulness:
    • Eve
    • Delilah
    • Jezebel
    • Sarai/Sarah
    • Lot’s Wife

How I came to see the One who sees me:

After retiring from the USAF, I was lost. I was living alone in Minnesota with no close connection to my family or friends. I tried finding ways to enjoy life but ultimately, I knew it was empty. One morning, something inside of me told me that my best friend–who had abandoned me months ago–would finally reach out again. And he did that very day! He apologized for who he’d been in the past and told me that he had been born again. I did not understand what he meant and feared he’d gone insane and joined a cult. So I packed up my Jeep and travelled from Saint Paul, MN to investigate his church in Gainesville, GA.

I’d entered the church with a critical spirit, but as the pastor spoke, I felt a war within me. When he asked for people who needed to be delivered, my hand seemed to raise on its own and I stepped forward. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I was being called and I couldn’t ignore it.

From there, I found myself in situations where I began to recognize that “something inside” as being the Holy Spirit. Over the past year, that Spirit has saved me. It led me out of danger, into peace, past drug addiction and toxic relationships, into making amends with my estranged mother, and finding a path to real life. That is why I am pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice at a university in Georgia.