Occurrence 1: Something Strange in Nowhere
Occurrence 2: Tears Hotter than the Shower
“Who are you talking to?”
When I heard that, I stopped speaking and realized…it was the Spirit. My tears were hotter than the shower water and the world faded away into the scene of a REUNION. I could feel the Spirit saying “Finally! You recognize my voice.” Although I was alone in my apartment, after another traumatic experience…somehow what I was experiencing was having been lost, knowing I was found, and feeling absolutely cherished.
In the “Something Strange in Nowhere” occurrence, I was being tested. The Spirit wanted to know “would you die for your friends?” And if I would follow Him no matter what. I think that I proved something about myself–which unlocked a new chapter of healing.
Let’s talk about Abandonment issues.
Matt 23:9 – Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven.
I think that verse should be a relief to those with “daddy issues.” Those earthly fathers could never compare to the glory of the father in heaven anyway.
For a long time, all I could feel was pain because my earthly father was gone. Someone asked me what OGRESS heroine means. I can tell you… blame the devil that told me it was my fault that my father disappeared. I became an ogre as soon as I looked into my own eyes and saw a monster that must have appeared evil to her own father driving him away.
Why do I bring this up? Because the second signifiant time that I met the Holy Spirit (the dialogue form the intro) was after seeking validation from Human Men instead of relying on the Lord God.
It’s natural, babies might look for their daddy to pick them up, hug them, and make them feel safe. But what happens when you don’t have that? You look for it consciously and/or subconsciously. There’s all kinds of studies explaining the long-term effect of childhood abuse, neglect, and abandonment. But the point is I was living it for a long time before I knew the Spirit. It was a sickness I had no cure for… until the Spirit came.
After the events in the first video, I was aware that something supernatural had occurred and I became obsessed with seeking the truth. Was it really God? That’s what brought me back to “Nowhere.” (With my own get-a-way vehicle this time) I returned to the church and met some of the people officially. I had no plan, I just wanted to understand what I had felt. How had I gone from wanting to cease existance, to marvelling that the Same Spirit that had called me to be there, got me out? That was good! A step towards spiritual and emotional growth…except I got so caught up on my feelings, I didn’t think much about WHY that situation may have happened.
It’s obvious now: I was abandoned by that friend because I needed to learn to rely on the Lord God, not on man. I didn’t realize it and I was still hurt by the betrayal, so I tried start a new relationship. Not to throw away my new Christianity, I expected that a new guy would be converted like I had been. But it didn’t work. It was a disaster. It was traumatic enough to inspire the second occurrence of meeting the Spirit–this time, hearing its voice distinctly. But the important thing about the disaster was that it proved that I was changed. I couldn’t cope in the same ways, the same things didn’t attract me, and I was sick of my old life and behaviour. It was all disgusting and empty to me. I was after something new and greater. A life following this Holy Spirit.
A life with the SPIRIT, not following a supposedly holy man. I didn’t realize that distinction either. Which lead to the most significant 3rd occurrence of meeting the Spirit.
Occurrence 3: The Graveyard
“CEASE YOUR VAIN REPETITIONS. Go away from me!” Those were the choice of words that came out of me the next morning.
I was leaving the Church in Nowhere and I was not in the right state of mind. I shouldn’t have been driving, nor should I have been left alone. I wasn’t drunk or high, I was just unmedicated and MANIC (which can feel like being both at the same time.) I was like a werewolf when a full moon was coming. I should have just checked into a hotel for the night, but that wild energy was so strong, I couldn’t sit still. I thought it would be a good idea to just start on my 17 hr roadtrip NOW. My friend, the one who abandoned me before, was there and knew what I was dealing with, more than anyone else did. But he didn’t even try to stop me. He did pray for me though–from the safety of his own car 50 ft away.
It started raining and got very dark, already out of control mentally, it was getting too scary for me to drive. I couldn’t see anything. I was insane AND blind. I couldn’t even see a good place to pull over through the darkness of the winding roads. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing. Everything out of control. And no one could (or would) save me. And the same accuser who told me that my father left because of me, told me that my friend didn’t stop me from driving because I wasn’t worth saving. Not worth anything so just keep going. It glued me into place with my blind eyes toward to road, hands on the steering wheel, and feet on the pedal. I couldn’t stop, but I wanted to.
But the smooth, gentle voice I’d gotten to know cut through the noise. The Spirit coaxed me to stop and showed me a place to pull over. It was a cemetery. Safe in my parked car, I finished my “werewolf transformation.” I’m not sure how to describe the feeling but it was like all that crazy energy was built up inside of me with no escape besides to run out of my car into the cemetery, or find a lake and take a night swim. I didn’t understand the condition I was in, just that it was painful. I wondered why my friend had abandoned me yet again, at least a third time. It was obvious I needed help, and I thought I needed something stronger than the prayer he’d given. I felt like I needed to be held down or tied up. I needed a cage. A straightjacket. A hug. A physical way to stop me from doing anything stupid. But instead, it seemed I’d been left to die.
Except, again, I was not alone. Man had abandoned me but who had broken the trance? The Spirit. Who was with me as I howled and writhed in agony? I didn’t appreciate it, but the Spirit. After I passed out, the cops woke me up. I was afraid because I realized that I must seem like I am on drugs. And these looked like the kind of cops who…if this was my grandfather’s time, they could have dragged me into a new grave for fun. However, who had prepared these police officers hearts with goodness and covered my insanity? The Spirit did. I did have to leave the cemetery and it was still dark. But my mind was quieter and I was able to speak to the Spirit. If question 1 was “would you die for your friends?” This one was “If I took you up right now, would you be ready to be with me?” I made it until the daylight and then I sent a scathing message to my friend who knew my condition but let me drive anyway, I saw him as someone of empty prayers. Forget dying for a friend, he wouldn’t even raise a finger. It was sickening! But rather than a swear word or clear communication, these are some of the words I used to tell him off: “CEASE YOUR VAIN REPETITIONS. Go away from me!
I still think it was extremely cold behavior to pray but not be willing to life a finger to help, but that was part of the plan to cure me of my abandonment issues. The Spirit was reminding me not to rely on MAN but on the Lord God.
OgressHeroine 